I'm a therapist, parent educator, writer and speaker who specializes in supporting parents of anxious children and teens
#141: Starting with acceptance βοΈ
Published 4 months agoΒ β’Β 4 min read
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Lately I've been talking to parents who describe themselves or their kids as "too" something. They are "too sensitive," for example, or "too reactive." I've been inviting them to leave off the "too" and to see how that feels. Your child isn't TOO sensitive; they are sensitive. You are not TOO reactive, you are reactive.
The reason I ask them to do this is that it changes the focus. If someone is TOO sensitive then their sensitivity is a problem. But if they are just sensitive then their sensitivity is a feature and we need to work with it. Some of us are just more sensitive than others and that's the reality!
If we have a child who is super aware, super worried about, say, thunderstorms and they always get nervous when this spring weather starts getting a little gloomy, a little dark, a little windy then that's just how it is. If we say, "Quit being so sensitive! You're overreacting!" Then the focus is on NOT being sensitive, NOT overreacting, right? But that isn't realistic. Sensitive people are sensitive! And overreacting feels like REACTING when you're sensitive and afraid.
But if we know, this is a child who gets really nervous about storms so they are likely to get a bit tense on a gloomy, dark, windy spring day then we can prepare for it.
Now the Parenting Pitfall would be to check with them, to reassure them about the weather, to negotiate a plan if the wind picks up. We don't want to do that either. So what then?
Accept that this is going to be a nervous day
Think about how we would like to handle their sensitive nerves. For example, what's in our capacity? Can we hang in there at the park even if it gets windy? Are we willing to sit on the car hood while they huddle in the back seat to keep eyes on them without the pitfall of huddling with them? What do we need to keep ourselves calm when they freak out about wind?
Because the goal is NOT to make them less sensitive (an impossible goal) and the goal is NOT to make them stop overreacting (because they're going to act how they're going to act). The goal is to teach them that they can handle being a sensitive person and help them to see that they are strong and brave and can survive the challenge of a windy, dark, gloomy spring day. AND that we know this about them even if they don't (yet) know themselves.
And what about us? If you say to me, "I'm too reactive." and I respond with, "Maybe you're just reactive." Then instead of you beating yourself up for your response you've shifted to saying, "Ok, so I'm reactive because reacting is a thing a person does and how do I want to react?" Because the reaction itself isn't a problem so instead of trying to stop it, let's try to figure out how to shape it.
Oh and happy Easter for those of you celebrating today!
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PODCAST
What's up on the podcast
On April 1st my podcast with psychiatrist Elena Lister MD went live. Elena is a grief specialist and the co-author of the book Giving Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss. This is by far the BEST book I've ever read about talking to kids about difficult topics; I loved it so much! Elena lost her youngest daughter to leukemia so not only does she share her expertise on talking to kids generally, she speaks specifically about her own lived experience. We discuss why she chose to speak with her eldest daughter's classmates about her sister's fatal diagnosis (even though her youngest daughter didn't want her to); how she navigated her own spiritual beliefs about death when they differed from her daughter's; and why we need to bring things up before our children ask. Please listen to this one -- Elena is a gift!!!
If you are ready to talk about death more but don't know where to start, you could always check out the Death Conversation Game. Created by photographer/artist Angela Fama, this is a beautifully designed card deck that invites you to explore the topic at length. The deck is recommended for ages 17+ so I wouldn't suggest cracking these open with your 7-year old but you could buy yourself a copy to shuffle through on your own, with your spouse or other loved ones, or with a group of friends. When I was back in Columbus, my friend Donna Baker, a death doula and founder of Columbus Community Deathcare was hosting Death Dinners. She would invite a group of people to sit down to dinner and talk about death and you know what? There was nothing more life affirming. At the dinner I attended several people were either grieving a recent loss, or anticipating a loss after a terminal diagnosis and so appreciated having a space to process, talk frankly, and share without worrying about being "too heavy." When my father died a few years later I felt more prepared because of that dinner 𧑠β
April highlight
Family Compass
Speaking of being too much this or that
Family Compass is a course delivered by private podcast. I walk you through the nine temperament traits -- those ways of being in the world that is fundamentally part of who we are -- and explain how they can impact/influence anxiety. You get a hand out so that you can map out each family member to help you see exactly how these individual differences can be showing up. It helps folks understand why parents respond different to different kids or why that one child drives you crazy while you seem to have endless patience for the other one. It's a very helpful, easy, illuminating course and it's only $15. Check it out and sign up here.
therapist β’ parent educator β’ writer/speaker β βI've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.