The subject line today? It's from the podcast episode that just went out. I spoke with Dr. Michael Schwartzman, author of The Anxious Parent: Freeing Yourself from the Stresses and Fears of Parenting, a now out of print book (but one worth finding).
Dr. Schwartzman said that children are crumpled paper bags "then you start pouring air into it, which is called life.... [and] the bag starts to expand ... [in] different ways, different directions, and then ultimately it starts to look like a human being."
Basically he's saying that it's important for us to remember that our children are becoming. All the material is there but they are still growing, still expanding and as they grow and expand, they become fully themselves. We can't act like our crumpled paper bags are complete (our expectations need to be realistic).
It's funny how often we expect children to be perfect even when we don't realize that's our expectation. Like we are always trying to shape them towards perfection -- keep your room clean, be more regulated, eat your vegetables. It's easy to forget that they are living in their current state of perfection, which is a child who is not great at cleaning up, who is still learning to regulate, and who hasn't had enough exposure to cooked cabbage to tolerate they texture. (That's assuming that one day they will like cooked cabbage!) It's a tricky balance of accepting who they are right this minute and figuring out how to help them keep expanding.
I have found that one of the best things parents can do is get a handle on what's typical child development so they can feel more confident making decisions.
Certainly every child develops at their own pace and kids develop in asynchronous ways (the child who is reading way above grade level may be struggling in other areas like emotional regulation or social skills) but a general idea will help you remember that kids are going to behave like kids. Crumpled paper bags are going to be crumpled.
Messy rooms, back talk, whining, meltdowns -- these are behaviors that are TYPICAL for kids (and! notably! for adults!) and we are working to help them first learn the skills and second learn to access the skills. By the way that is two different things -- the learning and the accessing. And as I said, adults still struggle, too. How many of us are trying not to lose it with our kids and then losing it sometimes? That's because emotional regulation is hard.
Maybe we are all becoming, right? Just kids are more crumpled than we are but none of us is fully without wrinkles!
To that end, I'm working on a new offer that will be up and running towards the end of summer. It will be all about exploring our own growth and becoming so that we can better support our kids. Because when we deal with our own stuff first (anxiety!), our kids will follow.
This will be an easy to access, interactive, guided program at a lower price point -- more help at a lower cost!
I'll be looking for beta testers and if you might be interested in getting access for free in return for your honest feedback, click here to be added to my special invite list!
PODCAST
What's up on the podcast
As I said, my April 15th podcast is an interview with Dr. Michael Schwartzman and we don't just talk about kids as crumpled paper bags! We also talk about the ways we become the parents we are meant to be and how hard it is to try to figure out what belongs to us and what belongs to our children. This is a deep dive, loving discussion about the trials, tribulations and joys of being a parent and I think you will feel very "seen" by Dr. Schwartzman!
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USEFUL RESOURCES
Do you have Merlin yet? Spring is the perfect time to add this FREE bird identification app to your phone. You do have to create an account but doing so will help the Cornell Lab of Ornithology track bird migration across the United States.
This very cool app lets you identify birds in your area by listening in and then reporting to you in real time exactly who is making all of that noise in your backyard. I particularly love that it can identify various wood peckers by the speed of their knocking!
You can also do a step by step bird identification by site and you can keep track of your "life list" by saving the birds you identify to your account. And if you're super quick with your camera, the app will also help you identify a bird by the photo.
April highlight
Family Compass
Speaking of being too much this or that
Family Compass is a course delivered by private podcast. I walk you through the nine temperament traits -- those ways of being in the world that is fundamentally part of who we are -- and explain how they can impact/influence anxiety. You get a hand out so that you can map out each family member to help you see exactly how these individual differences can be showing up. It helps folks understand why parents respond different to different kids or why that one child drives you crazy while you seem to have endless patience for the other one. It's a very helpful, easy, illuminating course and it's only $15. Check it out and sign up here.
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Dawn Friedman MSEd
therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker
I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.
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”The minute anyone’s getting anxious I say, ‘You must eat and you must sleep.’ They’re the two vital elements for a healthy life.”
– Francesca Annis