I've been thinking late about the ways we hold on tight to our suffering.
This sounds like victim blaming so let me assure you that it's not. There are a lot of Jedi mind tricks to dealing with anxiety -- a lot of facing paradox and getting all creative and twisty with your thinking -- and this is one of them.
I say this a lot so you may have heard it before: Anxiety tries to keep us safe by keeping us small. Depression works much the same way. Stay small, make a small target, and maybe the Bad Thing (in John Irving terms, the undertoad) will pass you by.
You know that I like to use the scary dog as an example so in the barest terms, if you don't want to be bitten by a dog then just don't ever go near a dog. Better yet, never go anywhere where a dog might be. There you go! Problem solved! You are protected from dog bites!
Of course that creates bigger issues since dogs (especially in these days of ubiquitous emotional support animals) are everywhere and you will also be missing out on puppies. But if the person really really really wants to be safe then saying, "But puppies!" may not be enough.
And it's even more than that. Being near a dog when you are afraid of dogs will feel terrible and there will not be any great pay off right away either. If you don't like dogs, if you aren't missing puppies, then being near one -- especially a jumpy or barking or wriggly dog -- will likely make you feel nauseated and itchy and lightheaded and all around bad. So why on earth would you do it? Especially if you don't believe there will be any advantage to experiencing that nauseated, itchy, lightheaded, bad feeling.
And this is when we're just talking about dogs, not the sneakier more debilitating anxiety, the kind of free floating anxiety that most of us (kids included) have. That kind of anxiety is a way of being and it takes more than a simple exposure plan with a Likert anxiety scale to fix it.
It takes a whole new way of being WITH Likert anxiety scales and WITH exposure but also with a whole lot of ongoing confrontation and experience and effort. It IS worth it but to get to dogs and free floating anxiety, first you have to find a way in. First you have to find where that person no longer wants to feel small and man oh man, do you have to be patient.
People come to me as a therapist, as a parent educator, as an anxiety consultant and say, "I want to feel better" or "I want my child to feel better" but the hard answer is that in order to feel better, we will have to feel worse. And no one's excited about that.
What's even tougher is we live in a society that is trying to sell us on easy answers: Heal your gut with this easy smoothie recipe! Tap your way to complete contentment! If you're not having a good time, then you're doing it wrong!
Nope. Life contains suffering. Healing contains suffering, too. But there is suffering (no puppies!) and then there is suffering (ahh the great majesty and rollercoaster ups and downs of being alive!) and figuring out which is which and where to start is a big part of the work.
Sometimes I feel like I spend most of my time just trying to convince people to suffer. 😂 But suffering for a purpose! And that's really what the book I'm working on is all about!
P. S. I'm writing this a week early because when you get this I will be on a plane flying back from my son's wedding. My son's wedding! Unbelievable!
PODCAST
What's up on the podcast
This month is Mental Health Awareness Month! So after the podcast that dropped on Friday about finding a therapist for your child, I will be hosting several guest podcasts. They will appear on my channel on Fridays. They won't be on YouTube but you'll find them in your podcast app if you're already a subscriber. Just look for TELL ME IT WILL BE OK wherever you get your podcasts!
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USEFUL RESOURCES
Do you live near any of these Sidewalk Joy spaces? These are (per their website) "free, curated public galleries, exchanges and displays. Installed in curb gardens, front yards or sides of buildings these projects were created to bring a bit of whimsy and inspiration to the community." If you do NOT live near one, you can create one and then submit it to the curator, Rachael, an artist in Portland, OR. She's also created a Little Free Mug Library network (a place to exchange mugs). And of course she's on Instagram for those of you who prefer your links via scroll. Joy is always useful, especially in these troubled times and sharing the joy -- and participating in the joy -- is one way we can alleviate some of our suffering. 🧡
Summer highlight
All the courses!
I'll be retiring all of my courses as of September 1st!
As I move towards more personalized, guided work I'll be retiring my courses. They will still be available for all the folks who bought them but they won't be available for new purchases. That means if you've been thinking about trying out Resiliency Sprint (four weeks to a more confident, competent child) or Bedtime Navigator (because you deserve some sleep!) or Family Compass (why it's so much harder to parent this kid than that one), now is the time. Once summer is over, they will be gone, daddy, gone so get 'em while they're hot!
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Dawn Friedman MSEd
therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker
I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.
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“A man will renounce almost pleasure you ask, but he will not give up his unnecessary suffering."
– George Gurdjieff