Open Book Parenting

QUICK SUNDAY CHECK-IN

There is nothing like watching your child get married to make you all nostalgic! As the mother of the groom I had lots of people coming up and telling me what a fine young man I raised and I inevitably replied that he is indeed a fine young man but I can take very little of the credit. In retrospect the best thing I did was to get out of his way, which you all know is much harder than it sounds.

I was a little surprised by how gloomy I felt off and on throughout the weekend's events and at first I couldn't place it. Then I remembered (I'm a trained therapist, after all!) that intense feelings all live in the same place. They knock into each other in unexpected ways so big joys can also bring up big sorrows.

My big joys are obvious but the big sorrows weren't visible to outsiders. The first one I knew was coming. After all, I'd already packed my father's yahrzeit candle and it was burning in our hotel room since his Judaic death anniversary was the day we arrived in Vegas. (His gregorian date was the day after we got home.) His death also brings up a whole lot of family grief in general, which I knew and expected. But this other deep sadness? Tricky! Where was it coming from?

My son asked me to make a small speech at the reception (if you want to sort of hear it, my sister-in-law recorded it and it's here) and I originally wanted to talk about my best friend who died in 2017. My son was very close to her; she played a big part in his growing up. I texted him to say that I wanted to mention her in the speech but I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it if I did so I was going to text that part of it to him instead. I told him: Abby would have loved his new wife. She would have loved celebrating him in Vegas. She would have been so proud. Then I hit send and sobbed for two hours. I realized that missing her was what was underneath my joy.

For those two hours I just let myself drown in missing her. I totally gave into it and wept. I imagined her there with me and how she'd have been so great, keeping me calm and running interference. I get prickly when I'm overwhelmed and don't like that about myself but there I go, prickling away at people. She knew that and not only was she not bothered by it, she would also get out ahead to protect me and keep me functioning. Oh gosh, once I realized I missed her did I miss her! A great big yawning abyss of missing!

But (and this is the point of this post!) after allowing myself to be engulfed in grief and two hours of crying (and some more hours of swollen eyes and sniffling), I felt her with me. I felt the unconditional love of my best friend there at the center of my grief, at the center of my chest. She loved me even when I felt small and scared and unlovable and that love is still a part of me; remembering that eased my way.

Which is what we want for our kids. To grow out of us because they already have us always within them. So that even when we are gone, even if it is painful to not have us there, they do have us there still. And we give them that by offering unconditional love and acceptance. It's not just acts (although acts count) it's the loving even when they feel (and behave) in unloveable ways.

USEFUL RESOURCES

This is only a useful resource if you're someone who wants to create courses or offer some kind of online deliverables to folks. I have gone through a whole bunch of different software, hosting, plugin options and finally found and stuck with MemberVault. (Note: This is NOT an affiliate link!) That's their regular old formal front page and here is their more personal one. They are a homeschooling, family-run business and their values jive with mine, which is important to me when I'm spending money. That site (the second one) also gives you access to two lifetime memberships if you don't want to do the subscription thing. (I'm on the unlimited lifetime and just paid it off in April! It was an investment!) Anyway, if you've thought about having a course, a club, any kind of virtual space and you don't want to get mired in tech nightmares or face ridiculous price increases when you're already full on invested in a platform, I encourage you to check them out!

Dawn Friedman MSEd therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker ​ ​I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health. More About Dawn →

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. ... You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

1495 Hemlock Farms, Lords Valley, PA 18428
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