I was talking to Scotti Weintraub of Reframe Parenting the other week about the challenges of getting kids appropriately diagnosed, speaking specifically about the whole, mushy, ill-defined neuro-different diagnoses. You know, ADHD, OCD, Autism etc. etc. In her state, the diagnoses don't make much of a difference to what happens next (versus Ohio, where an autism diagnosis can mean access to a game-changing scholarship) and waiting for answers that might not be coming can slow down supports.
"I tell parents that it may not matter that much," she told me. "We are supporting the child who is in front of us; not the diagnostic label."
What she meant is that she doesn't need to know if a child has official ADHD to recognize that said child needs supports around focus and attention. She doesn't need to know if a child has Generalized Anxiety Disorder or is simply a bit intense to know that they need help managing their distress tolerance in stressful situations.
Sometimes we think (hope!) that a diagnosis will be an ANSWER, as in: If Child is diagnosed with A then treatment B will be the answer for C results. But it doesn't always work that way. In fact, I'd say it usually does NOT work that way.
For one thing, kids with one diagnosis are more likely to have another (different brains work differently in lots of ways) and the categories we've created are a cultural construct for professionals to make sense of people, treatments, and results. And for that they are useful. When it comes to research, it's good to know that people with X diagnosis have brain scans that look like this. Or that Y diagnosis responds well to this treatment except when it's combined with diagnosis Z and then we need to look at other ways to support them.
That's all to say that I am not knocking diagnosis per se but I certainly don't worship at the altar of it. With kids especially, a diagnosis often points more to a general direction than to a specific answer.
It's easy to get so lost in the rabbit hole of a diagnosis that we forget that the most important thing is that THIS child is presenting like THAT regardless of how we define it. Accepting the presentation -- the way that they function -- is the first step to helping them. It's why I always say, "Anxious brains are gonna be anxious." Anxious brains driving anxious behavior is a feature not a bug of anxiety so instead of being surprised or dismayed we can expect it. Expecting it doesn't mean accepting it, exactly. By which I mean, not acceptance like, "Oh well, what can you do." More like, "I accept that this is the challenge so let's work with it."
Parents need time to acclimate to a diagnosis (or time to acclimate to the lack of one) and to figure out what this means. They need time to think about the complexities, to consider how this might change their approach, and space to step into a new parenting identity that may or may not feel comfortable to them. Plus for many parents, a child's diagnosis is brand new insight into their own struggles. There's a whole other level to examine, to process, and to perhaps grieve.
USEFUL RESOURCES
This one is so good! I had the newsletter all set up and scheduled to publish but I came back in to change the useful resource! Wired.com has an article up about how to turn your iPhone into a dumb phone so that you can give one to your child as a utility without fretting about the rest of it. So if you want them to have a phone for the sake of safety or convenience (because they're walking to school, because they're staying late after for sports, because they're staying home alone and need to be able to contact you) but you can really truly lock it down. This isn't screen time or deleting apps or any of that; it's using the Accessibilities menu to set things up so that they can only call and text you, Grandma, and their best friend; so that they can't access Apps to download; and so they can't scroll through the internet on Safari. From the article:
"My chosen setup? My son only gets Calls, Messages, Maps, Camera (so we can video call, but I've ruthlessly turned off selfies), Photos, and Music. Nothing else. I’ve turned an old, unused iPhone13 languishing in a drawer into the best six-app dumb phone money hasn’t bought."
The link up top is to the original but Wired sets limits on articles for non-subscribers so the archived version of the full piece is right here. My husband has wanted to make his phone dumber for a long time and he just spent the last fifteen minutes setting his up. He's not techie at all and he was able to follow the directions without any issues so don't be afraid to mess around a bit. And let me know what you think! Would this change how soon you'd let your child have a phone?
Monthly Theme: Anger
Tell Me It Will Be OK: The Practice
The benefits of reflection
In one of the curriculums about working with anxious kids, the leaders talk about helping children come to the process with a spirit of willing experimentation. What this means is that before we can do the heavy duty work of facing our fears, we need to work a more expansive mindset. Because how can you change if you don't even believe in the possibility of change? The same goes for parents. Parents want a result -- we want a happier child, a less angry child, easier mornings, etc. But if we start right in with the result, we are doomed for failure. Remember, addressing child anxiety starts with US and so does creating a more expansive mindset. That's what The Practice does. It's the necessary work crafted to be more accessible and effective for US. Part of the accessibility is due to its delivery (right in your podcast app) and another important part is in the cost -- just $25 for a year's worth of sessions.🧡
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Dawn Friedman MSEd
therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker
I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.
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“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane."
– Anne Lamott