Parenting problems inspire a lot of quick fixes and promises and I complain about that on the regular. For one thing, they rarely work and for another they miss the point entirely. Because parenting is not about fixing things; parenting is about living through them with intention and attention.
In her introduction to the book Music of Silence, essayist Kathleen Norris writes, "We may resent any difficult or demanding task that seems to pull us away from what we consider our 'real' lives." The difficult and demanding tasks of being a parent are not problems that we need to solve; they are the substance of being human and building a relationship with this other human who lives in our house and is looking to us for guidance.
What I mean is that parenting is inherently a spiritual practice* and seeing it that way, understanding it that way, can help us slow down. The struggle is actually the point or -- to quote Leonard Cohen -- "There is a crack, a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in."
These struggles, these challenges and frustrations, they are where the light gets in. They offer us the opportunity to understand ourselves better, help our children understand themselves more, and grow in wisdom. Problem-solving as an exercise is a whole different attitude than problem-solving as a fix. You can't change a child like you change a tire and you can't build a relationship the way you build an Ikea bookshelf. We have to be committed to working a whole process with attention, curiosity, and reflection to do the heavy lifting of "real" parenting.
What I wish for you, dear struggling parent, is the bone-deep knowledge that your struggle isn't a failure; it's baked into the work of being a parent. If you need a helping hand -- space to think, a little direction, practical encouragement -- then that's what I'm here for. 🧡
*a note about the word spiritual for the atheists among you. I have a friend who is an atheist and a 12 stepper. I once asked how he dealt with the whole "higher power" thing in AA and he said, "My higher power is my fellow drunks. God for me stands for Group of Drunks. I put my faith in them." I like this image and offer it to you. Attentive, attuned, connected relationships offer their own daily practice.
Monthly Theme: Anger
Tell Me It Will Be OK: The Practice
Letting the light in
What The Practice offers is a half hour (give to take) once a week on YOUR schedule to sit and give real attention to yourself, to your child, and to the relationship. It's a protected time to really tune in and figure out what you want to bring to the week ahead and it's a way to slow down and feel more connected. If you'd like to try a free session before you commit, you can listen to an episode on Good Enough Parenting right here. 🧡
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Dawn Friedman MSEd
therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker
I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.
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"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
– Annie Dillard