I'm a therapist, parent educator, writer and speaker who specializes in supporting parents of anxious children and teens
#150: All or Nothing ☀️
Published about 1 month ago • 3 min read
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This month in The Practice we're journaling on neutrality in the context of anxiety. This is the idea that instead of countering anxiety's negativity with positivity, we meet it with neutrality. In practice this means when our child says, "But everything is the worst! And I hate everybody! And it will all be terrible!" We don't respond with, "But things might be great! And you love your friends/family! And I bet it will all be fine!" Instead we stay neutral. They feel it's the worst? I guess that's how they feel. And they don't have to love everyone all of the time. And the truth is it might all be terrible or it might all be fine.
Neutrality is maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe good, maybe bad. Likely it's all somewhere in the middle. And that's harder than it looks/sounds.
It's something I work on with clients around body stuff, too. Maybe it's too much to LOVE your body so how about just trying not to hate it. Maybe it's enough to just move an inch away from an extreme toward a more forgiving middle.
All or Nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that drives anxiety. If we're aiming for the extreme best response -- "It's all going to go great! Your teacher is going to love it! Everyone will be impressed!" -- then that in itself is an anxious response. It doesn't all have to be the best ever, which is great because usually it's not. Usually we're all dancing along the continuum from best to worst, somewhere in the middling ok or not ok but manageable middle. If not being the best doesn't mean we have to be the worst, then our grip on perfectionism loosens.
Where can you find some neutrality? Want to join us in exploring?
Dancing our way between best and worst into messy, forgiving, everyday mediocrity
USEFUL RESOURCE
I'm going to be taking a sabbatical from the Tell Me It Will Be OK podcast.
There will be two more episodes and then I'm going to step back because these interviews, sheesh, they take a lot out of a person. But I'll be going out on a high note! First up is a truly wonderful interview with Dr. Ali Navidi of GI Psychology. He's a psychologist trained in hypnotherapy specializing in kids whose anxiety is driving stomach issues (or whose stomach issues are driving their anxiety). We got together to talk about the way anxiety can give kids stomach aches, nausea, constipation and diarrhea and what in the heck to do about it. This episode is truly one of my favorites and I walked away from it thinking, "I need to get some hypnotherapy training!" He talks about the research behind it, how it works with kids, and dives into the science. Please listen to this one! And share it with anyone who is struggling with anxiety-driven headaches or stomachaches or panic attacks, (which are somatic symptoms writ large). His practice works with kids and adults across the US!
Monthly Theme: Neutrality
Tell Me It Will Be OK: The Practice
Helping our kids by helping ourselves
As parents of anxious kids we have our own anxiety at the very least because we're worried about them! But most of us have anxiety, too, because anxiety is one of those things that we inherit like the color of our eyes and how soon our hair starts to go gray. It's just the nature of the beast. But anxiety has just as much nurture as it does nature and it's nearly impossible to teach our children how to manage it unless we've learned to understand and manage our own. Which is what TELL ME IT WILL BE OK: The Practice is all about. Together we discuss, think about, and journal through topics meant to inspire and inform our own wisdom so that we can bring that growth to our kids. When you subscribe, you also get access to a private community where you are welcome to share your questions, thoughts, and conundrums to get more encouragement and support. 🧡
therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health.