Open Book Parenting

QUICK SUNDAY CHECK-IN

I completely forgot to write my newsletter this month! Just clean forgot it! I have a very complicated organizational system going on because I wear many professional hats and somehow, someway I just lost track of all of them. Maybe it's because I revamped my office (after my drop ceiling caved in -- no really -- while I was sitting with a client no less!) or maybe it was a family visit we had at the beginning of the month or maybe my brain just gave up the ghost. But anyway, I forgot.

This is the kind of thing I used to beat myself up about but (as I recently said to a friend), I have become an expert on failure because I try a lot of stuff. And if you try a lot of stuff, sometimes you're going to fail.

The paradoxical intervention for people who avoid failure (perfectionists) is to fail on purpose. I remember working with a family where we designed a paradoxical intervention for the child and the child was like, "Ok, let's do it. Let's fail." They were nervous but willing. We then presented it to the parents and the parents -- who both reported that they had no anxiety when we began our work together -- said, "Oh no! Let's fail a little less first!" And I said, "Ok, whose anxiety is really at play here?" Because how much would this tiny bit of failure really ruin a person's life? Answer? Not at all. No ruin at all. And maybe the kid's chronic insomnia and nervous headaches might improve.

But I get it. I do. Perfectionist anxiety is a pernicious anxiety. It looks so dang good on the outside. It looks so useful and conscientious and it gets a lot of praise. They sound responsible but really they are ruled by extremes and superstition.

The straight A kid says, "But if I fail this one singular test I will never get into college, and I'll never get a job, and my life will be in ruins!" When they say that to me I walk them through it. I mean, how realistic is that? Do you really think your entire life depends on one AP History test? Then we play with it. What might really happen? How might you handle that? Is it possible that X will happen not Y? But ultimately I'm going to try to get them to agree to fail that one test because reassurance (remember) is an anxiety Pitfall. Reassurance ultimately, doesn't do a damn thing to move the anxiety needle. People have to try.

Anxiety treatment is about being willing to try things, to gather information, to be curious, and for the perfectionist, trying means failing. That's the exposure. Failure is what they're avoiding so failure is what they have to do. ON PURPOSE. Let's go. Let's fail. Let's turn in the rough draft. Let's show up for the quiz without studying. Let's give the presentation without practicing.

But here's the trickiest part when it comes to perfectionist kids: the parents are often perfectionists, too (hidden or outright).

Like the parents in my example, the ones in the example above. Perfectionist parents say, "Dawn, I know you said our paradoxical intervention is to watch a movie instead of studying the night before the test but what if we study FIRST and then watch a movie?" or "Dawn, I know you said our child should not turn in their chemistry homework this week but what if we call the teacher and see if they can turn in make up homework next week?"

But that's not failure. That's just rearranging the deck chairs on the sinking perfectionist ship.

Perfectionist kids do succeed in a lot, (which is why it's so alluring, that anxiety, and why it's so hard to break) but they turn into adults with ulcers and migraines and the sinking feeling that they will never be good enough despite the big pay check, despite the awards, despite the ultra clean house. They are at greater risk for developing self harm, depression, and burnout. They look great from the outside and inside they're a mess.

For the NON-straight A kid, their current life lesson might be learning how to knuckle down and study even when it's family movie night. But for the straight A kid? The current life lesson is actually, hey, life is here to enjoy and you can't constantly be living for the future or you miss what's happening right here.

So let's fail. Let's discover that life is not a series of goals and accomplishments. Let's stop and gaze at sunsets even though that one project is due. Let's play hooky. Let's learn the art of balance.

I share this because my biggest block as a clinician when working with perfectionist kids is their (often closeted) perfectionist parents. So the more you know, the more you can help your own perfectionist child learn to fail more often and with greater self-kindness and acceptance.

Dawn Friedman MSEd therapist • parent educator • writer/speaker ​ ​I've been supporting kids & families for more than 30 years. I have my masters in clinical mental health counseling and post-grad certification in infant/toddler mental health. More About Dawn →

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.”

~ Anne Lamott

1495 Hemlock Farms, Lords Valley, PA 18428
​Unsubscribe · Preferences​